Confessions of a Hypocrite

I have been reading about cancer and other illnesses, disabilities, and so-called defects.  I have read the extensive pathological reports I received from having my cells looked at under many microscopes, studied and mapped out by specialists to discover why I got this squamous cell carcinoma. The exact reason is inconclusive, though it is likely attributed to a combination of things, including cellular damage incurred from drinking a lye-based cleaner when I was seven, environmental causes, genetic predisposition, etc.  A silent part of me feels shame for my own genetic short-comings, but only when I apply my abnormalities to the concept of natural selection.  A big part of me was ashamed to admit that I had cancer because it  would be far more ideal to be a a perfect, healthy human.  Oh well.

My point is this: I likely got cancer because of this advanced world we live in, but it was also treated by, and is in remission, due to scientific advancements.  I believe in natural remedies, but I must also believe in modern medicine. It likely saved my life, though it is a difficult thing for me to accept.  I just went ahead and received radiation and toxic chemotherapy because I was told it was my best chance of survival.  It was my choice to make, and I have had to defend this choice a few times. 

In May, I was approached by the Saskatchewan Cancer Agency to be an Ambassador for a campaign called Touchdown for Dreams.  Being a woman diagnosed with a life-threatening cancer, I was eligible to receive a wish.  I got a kitchen makeover and other home improvements and am grateful for the experience. The campaign highlights a partnership with the Saskatchewan Roughriders and Cameco, a uranium development company; I am literally the face of the campaign, including being on billboards starting this month.  A few years ago, I will admit I would have had nothing to do with it.  But today, I believe I owe my life, in part, to nuclear medicine and the radioactive isotopes produced to kill the cells that were trying to kill me.  It was my only viable treatment option. I haven't found a comfortable way of talking about it, though I have given numerous interviews and have been invited to speak at many functions. On a personal level-  to the people in my life- I just haven't found a way of translating my feelings.  I feel grateful and ashamed all at the same time.  Not only because I gave up some pride and accepted any kind of support, but considering the controversial source, it has made me feel 'off'.  I have been looking into nuclear energy more and more, and while I do not have a scientific background -or, admittedly, a scientific thought process- I have allowed myself to get passed the fear of it. I have to be realistic about the options available. Granted, I have undergone massive change in a short time, and it is natural that I have different ideas now.

When I was making my decision of whether to be a part of the campaign or not, I came to a realization that I am a direct consumer of radiation- it saved my life.  I can't pick and choose when I am okay with it and I wouldn't ever want someone to feel guilty for saving their life by accessing nuclear medicine.  With the campaign, I will be assisting in raising money for other women facing cancer, including helping women in isolated communities to access better medical care through cancer screening and prevention services.  And because of the campaign, I have been invited to assist with other fundraising efforts, including the Choc'laCure Project, which will support the purchase of Stereotactic Radiosurgery equipment for the residents of Saskatchewan.  If this equipment would have been available to me at the time when I needed radiation, I would not be spending the rest of my life with next to no saliva.  It will be an ideal way to receive radiation therapy, as it drastically minimizes the damage to healthy cells.
 
Some may say I am a hypocrite.  The worst kind, likely, because I am shrouded in a facade of good-ness.  I have come out of a huge life change and I must stand by all of my decisions.  But I feel pulled in all directions. I will definitely make the right choices to lessen my damaging impact on the world.  I will be grateful for my opportunities and be an appropriate voice for this small platform I have been given.  I don't need to feel ashamed, and I don't need to apologize anymore.

I am aware of how I may be perceived, but my intentions have always been pure.  I thought I had an unwaivering quality before, when I was so sure of what was right and wrong.  I felt it was my destiny to distinguish between the two: defend the good and condemn the bad.  I no longer believe in good or bad, but I know that my moral compass is telling me I am able to instigate greater change than merely pointing my finger in condemnation.  I want to be a part of the activism promoting realistic advances in cancer research.  I won't hold myself so accountable and stress over how others perceive my direction in life. 

I have thought of the implications with all that I do and I am moving forward with pride. 
I have liberated myself from my fear of being labeled a hypocrite.
My life's purpose will not be hindered by my fears. 

Love and Light,
Megan