'That retarded chick...'
Today, for one painful moment, my whole sense of self felt summed up in that label.I was getting groceries with my daughter this morning and forgot my sunglasses on the counter at the register. I overhead the customer behind me say to his friend, 'That retarded chick forgot her sunglasses'. I was horrified to realize I was the chick they were talking about. All I could say was, 'That is one of the grossest words in the human language. You should consider removing it from your vocabulary.', as I snatched my sunglasses and left the store. It was only after I methodically placed Bu in her car seat and loaded the groceries in the car that I allowed myself to burst into tears.
I thought about going back in the store to explain how I got my disability from stage 4 cancer and nearly died last year. The fellow who I wanted to go back and set straight was my approximate age and had garnered a smile from my daughter minutes before he stole my self-confidence. I wanted him to know who I am and why his words were so ugly. -I don't particularly like the pet name of 'Chick' either, unless you are better acquainted with me, but I will write about that another time.
I surmised that I should not go marching back into the store mostly because I realized that though the 'R word' is one that I have set to abolish, this issue is so much bigger than me. I feel disappointed that at this stage in human evolution we have such blatant problems with acceptance. I've done countless presentations in schools and in our communities to educate children on inclusion, acceptance of differences and not to use labels that can hurt people. I've had numerous conversations with people in bars or in social settings about how one can so easily replace the repulsive words in favor of words like 'ridiculous' to avoid offending anyone. I have had mind and heart expanding experiences with people of all abilities and feel grateful for the spiritual high I get from communicating with people in alternative methods. I even founded a social group for adults of all abilities and backgrounds called, 'The More The Merrier'. Because I felt so fortunate to have such amazing experiences of friendship through my work, I wanted to invite the world to sit at the same table and talk - or communicate in non-verbal ways (!) - about things that unite us. At its peak, there were over 100 members of the group, and I've always wanted to start it back up... someday soon, I hope.
I have met people who have survived living in institutions, I have friends who were persecuted in public schools, taken advantage of, completely isolated in the community and were left relatively forgotten about. I have seen some amazing transformations take place when small steps are taken to build a network of support around people and they take their place in the world. I have seen successes and failures when people try to find a new place to live, work or exist, and I commend the strength that families and supporters have for continuing the 'fight' to have the best possible life for a person they love - I must give a shout out to advocacy organizations like the Saskatchewan Association for Community Living and People 1st for the amazing work they do at a grassroots level.
Sometimes, acceptance happens the right way- naturally and without an incident where someone is reprimanded or educated on their offense. I know people who have grown up with a disability and they have simply been accepted for who they are, and it is a beautiful thing. We should celebrate each other! Damn it, we can't let the 'R word' take away from the advances we have made with Human Rights!
I have friends who have disabilities. I'll let you in on a secret: We all have disabilities. Be it physical, intellectual, mental, emotional... we all have areas that can be challenging for us, and that is okay. The charm about humans is that we are imperfect. And it is also okay to be uncomfortable with people who are different from you, but I encourage you to keep exposing yourself to the new, so that you can have a new perspective. I may have been patronizing when I first began working for people with disabilities, for fear of offending anyone, but the more I hung out with people who had alternative ways of doing things, the more I understood the key to true acceptance. I soon learned that we are all just people.
I wasn't born with my speaking disability, and it has been something I've had to grow into. I so desperately want to be normal and speak clearly, especially for my daughter who is learning for herself how to speak; I feel inadequate when I teach her new words. When I meet someone, it is more challenging for me to just have a conversation like I may have done before. I find my 'disability' can get in the way. I try to get around it, but it is there- plain for all to see -and hear. Have you ever experienced the painfully awkward moment where you try to tell a joke and have to repeat the punch line because someone doesn't understand what you said, or doesn't hear you? I have that moment all the time now. It interferes with my nearly-existent humor.
It is not ideal to share this humiliation with the general public, as I was genuinely wounded by the words spoken so freely by another person. I have come to believe we really have to be accountable for how we treat each other, and it is never too late to change our ways. This unfortunate interaction makes me feel like hiding from the world so no one else can label me. I am a mother and I have a responsibility to my daughter, but more importantly, to myself, to remain open and keep on my path of being my true self without restrictions. And having any hangups with my confidence is just not an option; I have worked too hard to get to this point of self-acceptance. It is one thing if I question my own worth, but I won't allow someone else to label and evaluate me like that. I'll keep my power, thank you very much.
If this were to somehow reach the fellow who wronged me this morning, I would want him to know I have already forgiven him. I saw how horrified he looked when I turned around- he didn't know he spoke loudly enough for me to hear him. I would also say:
We should want the best for each other- the better we feel, the better we become, the more we are able to contribute to humanity. Go out into the world and help advance this human race, one small step at a time. And leave offensive, confining words like the 'R word' out of your realm. Don't isolate yourself by offending others- anyone can be your friend. You are better than that. And frankly, I expect more from you.
Blessings to all,
M
