Weird and Proud!

Sometimes, I forget how weird I am.  I've always been interested in eccentric personalities who challenge accepted behaviour.  Lately, I have lived in a world where the stakes have been so high with all aspects of my life; I can't seem to escape the awareness of how precious this experience is.  With my ability to live, keep my quality of life, have financial stability in spite of having a disability, to be happy, have any kind of family with my husband (who is doing very well)... I have been walking a fine line and it has brought a heightened sense of gratitude to me.  I value the awareness, but it generally makes me feel disconnected from people.  I have spoken with fellow survivors of trauma and it seems common for people to have a challenging time transitioning back into life.  Especially when I found out the seriousness of my diagnosis, I vowed I would live with more purpose.  I feel kinship with people who are tuned into that reality; the folks who connect with my weirdness are the people I need in my life right now. 

I am reminded of an activity I facilitated for a youth event a few years ago.  We made tie-dyed shirts and then used fabric marker to personalize them.  The group was made up of individuals, some who were diagnosed as having an intellectual disability, and some who were not.  The point of the group was to not focus on labels but get to know each other. One brilliant young lady made a beautiful shirt with large letters: WEIRD AND PROUD! She was fascinated by communication and aspergers (read more about this), and provoked many interesting conversations about breaking down barriers of communication.  Over the years, I have seen her proudly wearing her shirt; I am so inspired by the message.

I try to tone down my communication with people, often having an internal struggle, pleading with myself not to ask weird questions.  I see the purpose of proper politesse, but the odd time, I let my really far-out self shine through.  

Like when I meditate and facebook. Ha. 

I often communicate with little regard for boundaries, but post-meditative Megan is particularly peculiar. I posted a weird profile status on facebook last night, and thought I should write a blog entry about facebook-ing after meditation.  I realize the irony, and meditation typically steers me away from social media. But there are times when I feel inspired to reach out to people.   Tonight, my profile status read:
Time passes and there are many I have not recently shared space with. The ways you have grown, the life you have experienced bear the potential for infinite possibilities. How are you, my Friend?

The beautiful thing was that within minutes, I received messages from people I had been missing, instantly quashing any reservations I had about displaying my weird thoughts for anyone to see.  And, just as instantly, I was inspired by friends who are in a similar place in their life.  It is a tragedy if a person feels self-conscious for being a bit abstract in the way they communicate.  To cap off the night, I updated my status to:

The biggest mistake you can make: hiding how weird you are :)

So, shine on! Have a wonderful day, you lovely crusaders of creativity and curiousness. 

Confessions of a Hypocrite

I have been reading about cancer and other illnesses, disabilities, and so-called defects.  I have read the extensive pathological reports I received from having my cells looked at under many microscopes, studied and mapped out by specialists to discover why I got this squamous cell carcinoma. The exact reason is inconclusive, though it is likely attributed to a combination of things, including cellular damage incurred from drinking a lye-based cleaner when I was seven, environmental causes, genetic predisposition, etc.  A silent part of me feels shame for my own genetic short-comings, but only when I apply my abnormalities to the concept of natural selection.  A big part of me was ashamed to admit that I had cancer because it  would be far more ideal to be a a perfect, healthy human.  Oh well.

My point is this: I likely got cancer because of this advanced world we live in, but it was also treated by, and is in remission, due to scientific advancements.  I believe in natural remedies, but I must also believe in modern medicine. It likely saved my life, though it is a difficult thing for me to accept.  I just went ahead and received radiation and toxic chemotherapy because I was told it was my best chance of survival.  It was my choice to make, and I have had to defend this choice a few times. 

In May, I was approached by the Saskatchewan Cancer Agency to be an Ambassador for a campaign called Touchdown for Dreams.  Being a woman diagnosed with a life-threatening cancer, I was eligible to receive a wish.  I got a kitchen makeover and other home improvements and am grateful for the experience. The campaign highlights a partnership with the Saskatchewan Roughriders and Cameco, a uranium development company; I am literally the face of the campaign, including being on billboards starting this month.  A few years ago, I will admit I would have had nothing to do with it.  But today, I believe I owe my life, in part, to nuclear medicine and the radioactive isotopes produced to kill the cells that were trying to kill me.  It was my only viable treatment option. I haven't found a comfortable way of talking about it, though I have given numerous interviews and have been invited to speak at many functions. On a personal level-  to the people in my life- I just haven't found a way of translating my feelings.  I feel grateful and ashamed all at the same time.  Not only because I gave up some pride and accepted any kind of support, but considering the controversial source, it has made me feel 'off'.  I have been looking into nuclear energy more and more, and while I do not have a scientific background -or, admittedly, a scientific thought process- I have allowed myself to get passed the fear of it. I have to be realistic about the options available. Granted, I have undergone massive change in a short time, and it is natural that I have different ideas now.

When I was making my decision of whether to be a part of the campaign or not, I came to a realization that I am a direct consumer of radiation- it saved my life.  I can't pick and choose when I am okay with it and I wouldn't ever want someone to feel guilty for saving their life by accessing nuclear medicine.  With the campaign, I will be assisting in raising money for other women facing cancer, including helping women in isolated communities to access better medical care through cancer screening and prevention services.  And because of the campaign, I have been invited to assist with other fundraising efforts, including the Choc'laCure Project, which will support the purchase of Stereotactic Radiosurgery equipment for the residents of Saskatchewan.  If this equipment would have been available to me at the time when I needed radiation, I would not be spending the rest of my life with next to no saliva.  It will be an ideal way to receive radiation therapy, as it drastically minimizes the damage to healthy cells.
 
Some may say I am a hypocrite.  The worst kind, likely, because I am shrouded in a facade of good-ness.  I have come out of a huge life change and I must stand by all of my decisions.  But I feel pulled in all directions. I will definitely make the right choices to lessen my damaging impact on the world.  I will be grateful for my opportunities and be an appropriate voice for this small platform I have been given.  I don't need to feel ashamed, and I don't need to apologize anymore.

I am aware of how I may be perceived, but my intentions have always been pure.  I thought I had an unwaivering quality before, when I was so sure of what was right and wrong.  I felt it was my destiny to distinguish between the two: defend the good and condemn the bad.  I no longer believe in good or bad, but I know that my moral compass is telling me I am able to instigate greater change than merely pointing my finger in condemnation.  I want to be a part of the activism promoting realistic advances in cancer research.  I won't hold myself so accountable and stress over how others perceive my direction in life. 

I have thought of the implications with all that I do and I am moving forward with pride. 
I have liberated myself from my fear of being labeled a hypocrite.
My life's purpose will not be hindered by my fears. 

Love and Light,
Megan

Wising Up

I am terrible at being political.  I have ideals but I flip-flop, I am a self-professed bleeding heart and, too often, govern myself by feeling rather than rational thought. (See: Truthiness).  I have taken a giant step back and have needed to focus more on my breath than local, national and international news.  

I am thankful for the folks who analyze political information and are adept at memorizing dates and understanding the inner workings of political playgrounds, as there is an obvious need for information.  I'm just not a key player in this realm.  I no longer need to be the first to read an article or be the resident expert on anything.  I know nothing.  I am a student of the world. I am genuinely trying to be quiet and listen right now because for too long, I gave my opinion without having achieved an ounce of wisdom; I was idealistic, but not very helpful.  

My focus right now: to get in touch with my true feelings on life without listening to all of the background noise.