I feel it necessary to take a moment and say how amazing you are as individuals, and as a group of people I am proud to call my family.
Things have admittedly been difficult for me recently- I've felt anti-social, withdrawn and generally low. I feel there are pieces of me that have slipped away, and most of the time, I'm unsure of how to get them back. For example, I am so frustrated with my voice that I don't even sing when I'm alone anymore. Tonight, in the safe presence of my family, I merrily belted out in song without even thinking about it; I was caught up in the moment and sang my heart out. I thought about this on the drive home- sometimes I am more myself in front of people than when I am alone. I've recently felt until I can connect my own dots, I have no business talking to anyone. I have been trying to get into a place where I know how I feel about my life again, because right now, I am all over the map.
Ahh, family. There is something so comforting and magical that happens when we all get together. I have such a lovely time observing and interacting with everyone- I truly believe we have a special and unique bond. Earlier today, Bu and I spent some time chatting with my Aunt Lee, Aunt Lorna and my grandparents outside. Bu had fun exploring on her own, as she usually does, while I was able to chat with everyone. It was so pleasant, and it prompted some memories of my childhood to surface. My life is not comprised merely of this moment, but a series of moments that have brought me to this point. It is comforting to know that though this time is difficult, I have a past and a future.
Tonight, I couldn't eat the delicious turkey dinner, as I am still primarily getting my nutrition through my feeding tube (and drinking). I have a lot of worries in my life right now, particularly as I am awaiting results from my CT scan and am dreading possible news of a surgery. But I have a lot to be thankful for. In fact, there were so many little moments that made me feel inspired tonight. I am entirely grateful to be alive right now. I shed tears with my Aunty Cheryl on her couch, giggled with my sisters, celebrated a successful outcome of my Aunt Joyce's intense surgery, took part in a team effort to clean up wine spilled on a lap top (my Mom swears it was Grayson's fault), I bonded with my cousins through laughter until my cheeks were sore and I was crying, I danced with my daughter and nieces to Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez songs, I talked about what was in my heart and on my mind - even confessing to believing in aliens (how else were some Megalithic structures built?).
I am fortunate to be surrounded by people who genuinely lift my spirits. People who nurture me and share with me a relationship where there is openness. I have to say it feels good. I learn so much about love from every single one of you.
To the family members and friends I was not able to see today, this all applies to you. The love is always there, and I am pretty damn thankful to you for it. I can not believe this world sometimes! How mind-blowingly amazing is life? Even during the 'bad' times, I feel a sense of duty to celebrate. Why else am I here?
So I give thanks, indeed, for my ability to be here and to realize how beautiful my existence is.
In Appreciation,
M
