Happy Half-Birthday to Bu

Bu is now a year and a half old! In celebration of her 'Half-Birthday', I cranked up the dance music and we grooved while changing clothes and snapping pictures.  We ate her favourite foods, cuddled on the couch and napped together while watching Ratatouille.  The best part of the day was during our harmonica jam- my cheeks hurt from giggling.  She keeps me dancing, laughing and appreciating everyday... I am so thankful to be able to share time and space with her.

The last 'look' was inspired by my friend Fran and the ways she encourages her children to be gender creative.  I feel I need to be more aware of showing Bu a spectrum of choice, especially when choosing ways to express herself.  Girls can wear blue, boys can wear pink! 

How I Learned to Love Football

Before the 99th Grey Cup in November, I was admittedly not a follower of football; I successfully typecast myself for nearly my whole life as a non-sportsfan.  I can't imagine I would have ever elected to go to a game on my own (potlucks and house concerts have been more my tempo).  So, when I got the call inviting me to go to the Grey Cup (all expenses paid), I declined the offer, stating that the experience would be more appropriate for someone else. I got off the phone and chatted with my sisters, who offered to watch Bu for the weekend and encouraged me to start living my life. I phoned the social worker who had connected me with the Chris Knox Foundation and asked him if I was too late to say 'yes'. I wasn't.  Richard was working and playing at a charity event and offered 'his spot' to my Mom. This was the perfect choice, as she truly was there for every major point of my journey, for times when Richard was not able to be strong. My Mom championed me through my whole cancer journey, with the assistance of my loving family. For us to go and connect with other families touched by cancer was simply amazing.

Our trip started at a hangar, where we took a chartered flight from Saskatoon to Vancouver. There was a media send-off of all of the participants of the adventure and some amazing words spoken about the impact this annual trip has had in the lives of those touched by cancer. I was rather numb -perhaps fearful because my own journey is so fresh and am really just emerging out of the emotional shell of protection I had placed myself in. Meeting children and other young adults who I could relate to was something I hadn't yet thought of doing, and I got the random opportunity to spend an intimate weekend with a community of Survivors and their loved ones.

Shell-shocked, I opted to sit in the front of the plane to give myself some emotional space during the flight. I kept replaying my summer and thinking of how much I already missed my daughter, Bu. I worried about leaving her for the weekend to go on a personal, selfish trip. My friend, Lynn, is the coordinator of the Saskatchewan Family Network through the Saskatchewan Association for Community Living (https://www.sacl.org/programs.php?p=sacl-family-network). She always says, 'In order to be the whole mother you need to be, you have to put your needs first so you can better take care of your family'. I believe in the sentiment, and decided to let go my worries and allow myself relief from my internal struggle.  And then I noticed Donovan. He was sitting behind my Mom and I, with his mom Kelly, excitedly talking about the big game, and he was taking several pictures from the window. We were flying over the mountains as he perfected his shots. I wondered what his story was, but surmised that knowing someone for a few hours didn't warrant an in-depth discussion of their medical history.

It was dark when we arrived in Vancouver, and we hopped off the plane and onto a bus. We went straight to the Vanier Cup, where I had the pleasure of sitting next to the young man I was so curious about. Donovan was explaining the basics of football to my Mom and I. It was excellent; a great first game to watch- ups and downs, a double overtime, and sitting next to a young football enthusiast made for a thrilling time!  Our next day began with a breakfast in the revolving restaurant above our hotel and a chance to get to know each other better. Then we got to be a part of the (rainy) Grey Cup Parade! It was a surreal experience to represent Saskatchewan, and though my fanatical self is in a stage of infancy, I was nonetheless exuberant! I was spotted by a woman I graduated with who now lives in Vancouver and we saw some women from Swift Current, which contributed to a further sense of Saskatchewan community. So cool. I waved my pom-poms, braved the downpour of rain and cheered alongside my fellow green-wearing folks. Some playful heckling between BC fans occurred, which made me feel a bit like a poser. Having no knowledge of the sport or the history of it, while looking rather invested in my province's colours, made for a couple of moments where I questioned my believability... but I recovered. We finished up with camaraderie bubbling over as we loaded the bus and headed to the Vancouver Aquarium.

I was truly touched when Donovan informed me he and his Mom would join us for the walk-through of the area. He nicknamed me 'Tour Guide' and allowed me to map out the couple of hours we had there. Along with our Mom's (his is only a few years older than I am), we snapped photos and explored marine life. I really bonded with them during this time, as we shared stories and built memories. It is a rather unusual feeling to have such comfort in the company of a 12 year old young man; I found him to be courageous, thoughtful and wise beyond his years. I began learning about his struggle with his health, including the 3 and a half years of chemotherapy he has left. My heart ached for his mother, who certainly had her fair share of health concerns with her children. I was completely in awe of her strength, as she is certainly in the thick of this trial. A more effective advocate and source of comfort for Donovan could not exist! She has the strength of my Mother, and any other parent who puts their game face on and simply supports their child through a dark time. It seems terribly unfair for her to have to watch him go through this. Hearing some of their stories of their hospital stays made me incredibly frustrated.
We went to Granville Island to do some shopping. It was misting out and the early sunset caught us by surprise, as my Mom and I did a quick tour of the area. We had been there together 15 years prior, but it was completely different now. We even got a little lost and worked together as a cohesive unit to find our way back to the meeting spot.

We then went for supper with 10 others to a Greek restaurant on Robson and enjoyed another opportunity to bond. I am haunted by what some of the families have had to go through. A particularly stylish, young and free-spirited lady, M, had been struggling with her peers questioning her about her new leg after her surgery to remove the cancer in her hip and thigh area. Her father recalled a conversation he had with her one evening where he told her he wanted her to love her 'new' leg as much as he did. Because it wasn't going away, she needed to accept it and love it genuinely. How brilliant! The conversation proved to be effective, as M clearly beams confidence now. I couldn't have been more touched by it.

Here is where the trip became particularly profound for me... the drinks my Mom and I ordered never came (after a 45 minute wait) and there wasn't much on the menu that catered to my no solids diet. So, we planned to get some miso soup takeout and head back to our hotel room. I went to tell the youngsters (aged 8-12) at the end of the table that we were going to leave. When they asked why, I explained how I wasn't really able to eat. I was completely inspired by M's story of self love that I readily opened my mouth to show everyone my 'new' tongue. Sweet little miss Jola (a lovely, perfectly-nosed, young lady) was so kind, as was M, and I could feel myself beaming inside. After viewing it as a bit of an embarrassment for 8 months, I hadn't fully accepted it as who I now am -secretly hoping for a miracle for it to grow back, or at least, the ability to speak without an impediment. And here I was, with young people who seemed so at peace with their fate. I'm blessed to have my metaphorical eyes opened, for in that moment, I realized I need to get out of my head. The people who are uncomfortable with me should not effect my own level of comfort with myself. Fate dealt the cancer card and made it necessary for me to forfeit my tongue for my life- anyone who would judge me based on that can stay at a comfortable distance! I had only shown a handful of people my new tongue before that evening, and am grateful to have a new sense of (growing) confidence.

That brings us to game day. We went to the TSN Broadcasting Zone and got VIP treatment, as we met with influential broadcasters and were introduced to football players. It was embarrassing to have no clue who anyone was, as we were spending time with them, but I was honored all the same. I even threw a football in a mock end zone, thanks to my friend Donovan's encouragement! I was interviewed by CTV Vancouver on my experience, where I was finally able to articulate that: I wasn't a football fan prior to this trip, but I am pleased to have the opportunity to be one now. We spent some time relaxing in the much-appreciated sunshine before loading the bus again and heading to our ultimate destination. 

We went to BC Place early to get situated in our seats. The air was peppered with excitement and anticipation. Myself and some other ladies decided it was time to take advantage of the face paint we had been given (from Dash Tours). It was delightful! I rarely knew what was going on during the game, but I cheered for both teams and had a grand time. I even enjoyed Nickelback's performance, though openly made fun of them before. I realized I don't need to label myself as a non-fan of anything- especially when I've never given it a chance. I can have an appreciation for nearly everything, so I need to allow my true feelings to flow!  Having said that, I won't be going out and buying a Nickelback cd, but I also won't participate in the chorus of Nickelback haters.  Live and let live...

We flew back that night, after the game. My time away was just long enough that I was anxious to get back to Bu- my Mom and I even drove back to Swift Current that night and got in at 5 am. I am thankful to my sisters and brother-in-law, who watched Bu (the little monkey had the flu, along with my 3 nephews, so it was an exceptional feat for all of them!). And to my Mom, who encouraged me to make the very most of my experience -posing for pictures with football players I didn't know, participating in the events fully, and for being my own personal cheerleader for my whole life. And to Pam, Sharla, Nigel and Georgia who I bonded with in immense ways. Sharla Folk is a modern day hero- someone who has experienced an unimaginable loss and had the wisdom and strength to continue on with her son's legacy. To posses the ability to create a life-changing movement for young people is nothing short of admirable. She, Pam, George and Kim facilitated our trip beautifully. So much work went into planning every little thing, complete with arranging for Roughriders to come to our hotel for photo ops. I guess I also have to thank the 2 board members who were unable to attend at the last minute as well ;)
The Chris Knox Foundation provides a common ground, a safe place to heal, share and grow together as a community. It was a fun and unforgettable opportunity!  Please go to the website, chrisknoxfoundation.ca to learn about the man who started this community. Bless you, Chris! And your beautiful Mama...

Bu sporting my new, green effects from the trip.  She especially loves the pom poms...

My Mom and I at each other's throats over our differing views... lol

Fellow Survivors- I honour you on your journey.... xoxo