Back in September...

Again, an older entry... I have so many versions of journals on the go and I tend to forget to share in blog-form. 

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Last Thursday, I had an unexpected experience.  I had been invited to a woman’s home by my friend Diane to gain some knowledge about raw food.  I drove past fields on a sunny, bright day.  When I arrived at the organic farm and home of art, peace and a lovely new friend, I was instantly enamored with my surroundings; a sunshine-yellow house with red trim and some friendly dogs that greeted me with kindness and curiosity.  Diane came to the front door and invited me to walk through a labyrinth nestled behind the house. In a thicket of trees, there were so many interesting baubles, statues, blown glass art, pieces of fabric wrapped around tree branches- so very many magical and spiritual things to fill my heart and soul just by their presence.  I’m not sure how long I was walking within the maze of magic, but I was happy that it was so expansive that I could get a bit lost.  I was met with the largest cat I’ve ever seen in my life and he had a voice that sounded uncannily human-like.  He was a lovely companion for the remainder of my adventure, calling out to me and bringing a smile to my face.

I began to hear the voices of Diane and the maker of the creative and beautiful labyrinth.  Diane introduced us and I hugged Beate.  I’m not exactly sure why, but to touch her nearly made me burst into tears.  In fact, I became a bit withdrawn while she and Diane chatted about the animal members of the family, as I contemplated why I didn’t just cry and why I fought to gain composure.  I was feeling emotional and I don’t have to hide that from anyone, least of all a woman who I know would accept my feelings.  I have become a master of disguise where my feelings are involved- sheltering people from any uncomfortable interaction with me.  Well, I shouldn’t claim to be a master of disguise, as I do routinely open up to people (some strangers), but just as often, I choke back my tears and try to suppress my inner conflict.  I can no longer do this.  I know I feel better when I am my true and genuine self, and I need to only surround myself by people who are accepting of who I really am- most people in my life are of this caliber.

Inside we go.  Beautiful, color-filled paintings of horses adorned the corridor and the kitchen cupboards and stairs were painted an ultra-marine blue.  It was fun and playful, full of brightness and entirely comfortable. We congregated in the kitchen to discuss food.  I have to admit I had fear surrounding a commitment to eating only raw food.  As I listened to the wisdom of Beate, I realized I just need to try it honestly before being afraid.  I am nowhere near being able to eat right now.  I am still using my feeding tube to get most of my nourishment, with the exception of a couple glasses of water a day.  I am still supposed to have 2,500 calories and 100 grams of protein everyday to keep my body armed to fight against the effects of chemo and radiation. I can’t see myself being able to take in that amount of calories or protein from organic, vegan food.  However, I am repulsed by my current source of nutrition- opening up a can of dense, disgusting and chalky liquid that is expensive and doesn’t contain any fresh, let alone raw, ingredients.

As I explained where I was at with nutrition, I broke down about my treatments. I have been struggling with what has just been put into my body- something that I did willingly.  I have been researching alternative cancer treatments, including holistic remedies and I wonder if I made a mistake.  I was told I had stage 4 cancer and I was so damn afraid for my life that I signed on for what I was told was necessary.  And it has left me with side effects so severe that I am consumed with regret.  As I opened up about what I willingly did to my body, something within me clicked.  I have a major blockage going on with me.  Something big isn’t allowing me to move forward and I am on the cusp of addressing it fully.  My lesson in raw food was cut short by a phone call from Richard, and I had to go home so he could go to work.  Beate told me that I am fine, I just need to tone up.  How very true- my soul needs toning indeed.

Incidentally, the next thing I had to do was go to my doctor to discuss my mental health.  Ugh.  I recounted my past few weeks to him and opened up about the fact that I feel low.  I have to give myself a pep talk to go outside everyday.  I talk myself into drinking a glass of water.  I make myself do light cleaning around my house.  I’m so tired and unmotivated, moreso than a few weeks ago, and I feel I have a rain cloud over my head.  I know the difference between how I usually feel and how I feel now.  I have reason to feel down, but I wonder if I should allow myself to take the plunge and try an anti-depressant.  And then I wonder if I what I need right now is to feel down and be upset after all that I’ve been through.  If I put more chemicals in my body and mask my current pain, I’m not addressing it head-on and fully healing from it.

How appropriate to have an eye-opening discussion on living cleaner and more naturally, followed by a meeting where I talk about taking and unnatural drug. I am not sure what I am going to do with the prescription I stashed in the depths of my purse.  Perhaps a mild pick-me-up for my system shouldn’t be so scary.  After stripping my body and adding in such toxicity, how could I possibly be balanced? Or perhaps balancing my body with food should be my first step?


Thank you to Beate! Please look at her website. She is so cool!
http://www.beate-epp.com/

*Also, after I met her, I indeed started a practice of nourishing myself with raw, vegan food and I feel amazing!