Feels Like...

I wrote this on June 26th- nearly a week into my treatment.  I found this in my files and found it hard to remember how I felt only 6 months ago.  Movin' on up!


*
Here it is. Here I am. All those days ago when I was told what this experience would be like, it was so intangible... And now I'm here feeling it. Shaved head, in the bathroom, standing over the sink while I rinse out my fluoride trays and brace myself for the ringing in my ears and nausea to subside. This is what going through radiation and chemo therapy feels like.

Ugh. And I'm only at week one.

There is a graceful way to accomplish anything. I don't feel people need to always take that route, and I doubt I would recommend to myself to be aware of grace right now. There is an image I hold in my head when I have previously thought of someone going through treatment of cancer. An angelic, peaceful presence to those faced with such a fate.  My Mom and Jackie (Hunter)'s best friend, Val was the epitome of grace when she went through her journey with cancer. It always stuck with me.  I went to her eternal place of rest to spend time with her and talk about how beautiful I thought she was for a few years after she passed.


Being in this position makes me feel everything.  I only now thought of what I look like in the mirror. But I can't bear to face that version of myself just yet. I have breezed right by my reflection in fear I won't recognize my physical self. Truthfully, the thought terrifies me to the core.

I haven't cried for days. I haven't even had a good cry since before this treatment began. I have been in survival mode- silently afraid that once I allowed myself to feel sad, I wouldn't leave that place. Damn it. I'm here, and I am sure I will leave, but there is such a despair to my situation that I feel entirely valid in staying.

The sores in my mouth are starting to burn. There are so many reasons for my mouth to be in pain right now that it doesn't matter anymore. All of the side effects are managed by a fine concoction of treatment plans that cause more side effects, and so on. I have had no appetite but I must consume all the calories and protein I can muster so my immune system doesn't shut down entirely and render me on a feeding tube through my stomach, in the hospital, really ill, etc. I swish with rinse, take my anti-nauseants, brave the hot flashes, wash my skin several times a day, brush my teeth, use prescription rinses, and other intense methods to sterilize my mouth... Every little decision I make has apparent grave consequences. I can see how very easy it will be to give up when I am in more pain, feel more ill and am several weeks into this treatment. My 'treatment plan'... The plan to save my life: Months of agony.

Today, I realized how numb this experience was leaving me. I was the sole provider of care for my daughter for the first time in a week today. The experience made me mourn the half step of development I am convinced Bu made. She is growing so damn fast and I really must stay connected to her right now. It breaks my heart not to have the energy to be the Mom I wish I could be right now.

I guess I need to release this negativity. I need to put it out there to everyone that this transformation isn't ideal, I'm not pleased to be going through it... But I still have a semblance of trust in it. Truthfully, my choice was made when I found out that my Stage IV B cancer literally could not be closer to Stage IV C cancer without putting a shelf life of 9 months to my life. I have somehow found myself at the end of the rope, and this is me grasping for more.


I don't have to recognize myself right now, but I know how thrilled I will feel the a day where I feel at home in my own skin again.

I debated whether or not I'd include this photo- especially because it looks like a mugshot- but it is indeed a true likeness of me in June.  My whole head was so swollen and my scar was so fresh... yikes!

The Quantum Soul

Religion Part II

William Shatner's Weird or What episode on the afterlife really spoke to me today. I realize how this sounds.  It brought me right back to a series of dreams and meditations that made me feel the meaning of life and what happens after our current physical life perishes. Like really feel it. I tried to define it (foolishly, perhaps) on facebook and to a few people in-person. I was pregnant at the time and coincidentally, also had cancer brewing in my body. Growing life while some cells were actively trying to destroy my own life... And I had a dream of death. I awoke with a realization that though our physical selves die, our energy remains. And it manifests in different forms -not necessarily in popular reincarnation philosophies, but that the energy of our thoughts, feelings, and metaphysical selves remain.

Also worth pointing out that I am now being reminded of dreams I've had even several years ago. I have had countless dreams resurface throughout my days of the past few weeks. I feel particularly tuned in right now. It is purely awesome how our subconscious works, isn't it? How we sleep and participate in different realms every night. And that our subconscious selves take that time to play and imagine without restriction while our bodies rest. Amazing.

A year and a half ago, the dream I had was that our energy stays in the Universe. The theory of the Quantum Soul suggests there may be a non-material dimensions that exist and our souls belong there.  Our senses and sciences may not be able to pick up on these dimensions, ipso facto, we don’t have strong evidence supporting their existence.  Plato taught that there was a more perfect, non-material realm of existence and that our physical senses make it impossible to accurately perceive the Universe.  The mere fact that someone is embodied makes our perceptions distorted, or somewhat of an illusion.  I believe there are ways to tune in to our Universe.

I have participated in a sweat lodge ritual where I felt a powerful connection to a metaphysical place.  Time was irrelevant, visions came to me and I was left with an amazing new focus in my life.  But that is a whole other story… I think there is some relevancy in looking to meditation, dreams states, shamanic journeys and out-of-body experiences.  All forms of parapsychology have always been quite interesting to me.  Years ago, I read The Doors of Perception by Aldous Huxley and I recognized how purely amazing it is that such significant and unusual experiences can unfold in this world.

Few people are encouraged to look for and experience their soul.  We look around at the physical makeup of our world- things we can grasp- things that are physical and solid.  But the soul is not tangible.  Some may find it ridiculous to throw out ideas of this nature, but I can’t think of a more interesting subject than whether or not souls exist.  And if they do, what that means.  The fact that none of us know for sure is remarkable… anyone’s speculation is as good as mine, so no judgment should ever be passed on religious belief. 

When I began to accept the fact that I may die very soon, I thought a lot about my soul.  I don’t have any proof it exists alongside my body to make up my whole being.  But I genuinely feel it.  And I know I said in my previous post that I don’t need to define my beliefs, so writing about a quantum soul- a rather scientific, or pseudo-scientific topic- is a bit off.  But it is a theory that translates quite well with most of the general principles of religions I follow. 

I like to think my energy doesn’t just fade with the passing of my life in this world and one day I will find out if this is accurate.  In the here and now, I will focus on listening to my inner self; I will be guided by what feels right. 

Namaste!

The Buddha, Baptism and Boudicca

I harmonize with several different spiritual communities, ranging from multi-denominational churches, First Nations ceremonies, Buddhism, Confucianism, etc. My philosophy on spirituality is that each of us must only practice what feels right. I believe there is validity in all forms of religion and I feel compelled to combine methods, rituals, and teachings from each to fulfill my own spiritual quest.

I must admit: it feels very intimidating to share this part of myself. I was raised as an Anglican (loosely, albeit) and while I don't believe anyone who sincerely knows me would be surprised, I feel awkward stating that I am not entirely fulfilled by the church. I attend services in my hometown to this day, and genuinely love the camaraderie that goes along with a community where people wish each other peace and sing collectively. I have received generous support throughout my whole life from this community and have met lovely people. I believe in the power of belief.

And I'll take this moment to say once again that I believe everyone has a duty to follow their heart where spirituality is concerned.  To be honest, I have often observed that people seem to be bred into a religion that becomes ingrained out of habit and not necessarily out of true feeling.  I’m not making a judgment about anyone’s spiritual beliefs, but this is mostly born out of my own curiosity.  My whole life I have looked to other people to see what they seemed to experience in their faith.  I know several people who are so strong in their beliefs that they live their life devoted to their religion.  I respect this when the message is accepting of others.

I am curious though… If humans were not taught religion, but governed their own spirituality strictly on feeling, I wonder what would happen? Would God or the Buddha have a name? And what is the significance of a name? Can a being not worship the energy that brought them life without labeling it? 

I'll give an example. My daughter. Her existence means everything to me. It is customary to baptize her into the Anglican faith and at times, I am tempted to go down that path. But I have witnessed several baptisms, and it doesn't feel exactly right for us to baptize Boudicca into God’s care specifically. On the other hand, I love the idea of the ritual and there are several similar practices found in other religions. I feel it necessary to then have a Universal baptism for her- to celebrate her life while uniting her with appointed 'spiritual guides'. I have selected several people to make up a 'council' for my child. Each member brings a different background and will provide Bu with a well-rounded perspective. I have not asked these people yet, but when it feels right, the celebration will take place.

Richard is very patient with me and my self-proclaimed hokey ideas. The idea of the council came about soon after my cancer diagnosis. I wanted a council of women to be her guides in the event of my passing. I have diverse circles of people in my life, and I love the idea of Bu learning from the people closest to me. They are women who have guided me, and therefore are very appropriate to guide my daughter. I even have a romanticized image similar to that of a movie, where the council may be summoned at various points in Boudicca's life to support her.  I want to provide an open spiritual path for her and expose her to several religions so that she will feel equipped to make the right choice for herself. 

Anyway, the point is that through my own experiences and in my own way, I show gratitude for life. My appreciation for all forms of life deepens each day. And personally, however life came to be feels irrelevant mostly. I am definitely at peace to have a general understanding and just go forth with celebrating. For me, getting hung up on defining that which gives life is simply not the point of living. 

What I believe to be truly important is that we allow each other to embrace our own spiritual evolution. 

Intimacy

Well, it’s official: I have made the decision to go on a mild anti-depressant. In my experience, people don't really talk about this -it feels as though it is meant to be kept intimate. I've not known many people to be very open about it and a part of me finds it difficult to admit to feeling unmotivated and unbalanced.  I wasn’t going to share this decision but I realized the point in practicing this current openness was to begin a cathartic phase of healing. Hiding parts of me feels inauthentic. When one strips away the layers created to protect the true self from violation, true wellness can begin. No part of the self is too embarrassing to show; in my opinion; even the darkest parts are to be celebrated.

It will be a while before the effects of my prescription are noticeable.  I had an irrational thought of anti-depressants being something to fear, as if once I started taking them I couldn’t stop.  But it isn’t a lifelong commitment.

I’ve been drinking fresh juice and have felt a noticeable improvement in how I feel.  I practice yoga everyday, journal, paint, talk about how I feel, channel Reiki energy regularly, meditate, go for walks to find inspiration from the outdoors, try to get enough sleep and I live my life by following my intuition as much as possible.  I wanted to try to feel better in a natural way, but my reality is that I am at a low point.  After enduring surgeries, treatments and significant hormonal changes, my body has undergone a lot of changes.  I will continue to do all of the natural therapies and will hopefully reap the benefits of everything combined.

I need to be more accepting of the fact that I don’t have to do everything on my own; I don’t have to fix myself.  I feel I have come a long way and I celebrate my journey wholeheartedly.  I don’t have to be on medication forever, but the next few months will be difficult and my progress will continue to be slow. 

So there it is.  I feel this is the best choice for me now.  This and Tai Chi... perhaps in the New Year?

xoxo …M

October 12th, 2011

I got the phone call from my surgeon that I have been waiting for.  He informed me that the results from my CT scan were in… and then he paused.  My heart stopped and my eyes filled with tears.  I was hopeful that after 2 surgeries, radiation and chemotherapy perhaps I had a chance of being cancer-free.  After getting bad news and more bad news, it is really difficult to be optimistic, especially when I was so certain after the first surgery it would be gone.  I also had reminders of how deadly this cancer can be, through random stories finding their way to me or reading up on life after radiation, etc.  I questioned whether my chest x-ray prior to treatments was read correctly, as perhaps they missed a microscopic area in my lungs or other organs that was growing a breed of terminal cancer (once the cancer reached my lymph nodes, it became likely that the cancer could spread to my organs and be terminal, giving me an estimated 9-12 months to live… it is still a possibility).  The pause seemed to last for minutes.  He continued with, ‘the report reads that you have no residual traces of cancer in your tongue, and your lymph nodes are clear.  You’re in remission.’

Remission. 

I had never applied this term to my future.  I’ve heard others use it, but for some reason, couldn’t allow myself to get ahead of the outcome.  With the rollercoaster of emotions, and celebrating the triumphs and downfalls, I have been in a state where I can only manage the present. Thinking about the next step has only brought me pain in this journey- staying in the here and now has made it possible for me to cope.  I still have a very high chance of recurrence, meaning that it is likely my cancer will come back (either on my tongue or my in the lymph nodes on the right side of my neck).  But for now, it appears the cancer is at bay.  For right now, my cancer is in remission.

I got off the phone and looked around me.  I was in shock.  I cried.  I hugged my sister and my cousin.  I looked at Bu and smiled.  I sent messages to my family, including to my Mom who is in Florida for work.  She phoned me back in tears, grateful for the news.  This has been so difficult for all of us, and to finally get some good news is something we collectively need. 

I can’t help but think of how aggressive the disease was.  And it makes me feel that there is another person out there who isn’t as lucky as me.  Someone was waiting for the call as I was, but they got bad news when I was told my good news.  I had a high chance of needing surgery right now, but for now I’m in the clear.  Of course, the recurrence rate is unfortunately high and I will likely get a devastating phone call again, but for now, I can breathe.

All those months ago, I was heartbroken when I got told I had cancer the second time- I was more devastated than my initial diagnosis- it meant my options were running out.  I’ve definitely not recovered from that experience, but I’m on my way.  This gives me a push to believe I can move on.  The fear may never go away completely, but I haven’t felt a peace like this in a long time.

People have been asking me, ‘What now?’.  The answer isn’t very clear to me, though I have a list of therapies I need to start focusing on.  And a list of things I need to come to terms with.  At various stages of this journey I have thought that the healing had begun, but I believe I am just now embarking on this path.   

I have a renewed sense of strength today.  I have a future again. 

Back in September...

Again, an older entry... I have so many versions of journals on the go and I tend to forget to share in blog-form. 

* 

Last Thursday, I had an unexpected experience.  I had been invited to a woman’s home by my friend Diane to gain some knowledge about raw food.  I drove past fields on a sunny, bright day.  When I arrived at the organic farm and home of art, peace and a lovely new friend, I was instantly enamored with my surroundings; a sunshine-yellow house with red trim and some friendly dogs that greeted me with kindness and curiosity.  Diane came to the front door and invited me to walk through a labyrinth nestled behind the house. In a thicket of trees, there were so many interesting baubles, statues, blown glass art, pieces of fabric wrapped around tree branches- so very many magical and spiritual things to fill my heart and soul just by their presence.  I’m not sure how long I was walking within the maze of magic, but I was happy that it was so expansive that I could get a bit lost.  I was met with the largest cat I’ve ever seen in my life and he had a voice that sounded uncannily human-like.  He was a lovely companion for the remainder of my adventure, calling out to me and bringing a smile to my face.

I began to hear the voices of Diane and the maker of the creative and beautiful labyrinth.  Diane introduced us and I hugged Beate.  I’m not exactly sure why, but to touch her nearly made me burst into tears.  In fact, I became a bit withdrawn while she and Diane chatted about the animal members of the family, as I contemplated why I didn’t just cry and why I fought to gain composure.  I was feeling emotional and I don’t have to hide that from anyone, least of all a woman who I know would accept my feelings.  I have become a master of disguise where my feelings are involved- sheltering people from any uncomfortable interaction with me.  Well, I shouldn’t claim to be a master of disguise, as I do routinely open up to people (some strangers), but just as often, I choke back my tears and try to suppress my inner conflict.  I can no longer do this.  I know I feel better when I am my true and genuine self, and I need to only surround myself by people who are accepting of who I really am- most people in my life are of this caliber.

Inside we go.  Beautiful, color-filled paintings of horses adorned the corridor and the kitchen cupboards and stairs were painted an ultra-marine blue.  It was fun and playful, full of brightness and entirely comfortable. We congregated in the kitchen to discuss food.  I have to admit I had fear surrounding a commitment to eating only raw food.  As I listened to the wisdom of Beate, I realized I just need to try it honestly before being afraid.  I am nowhere near being able to eat right now.  I am still using my feeding tube to get most of my nourishment, with the exception of a couple glasses of water a day.  I am still supposed to have 2,500 calories and 100 grams of protein everyday to keep my body armed to fight against the effects of chemo and radiation. I can’t see myself being able to take in that amount of calories or protein from organic, vegan food.  However, I am repulsed by my current source of nutrition- opening up a can of dense, disgusting and chalky liquid that is expensive and doesn’t contain any fresh, let alone raw, ingredients.

As I explained where I was at with nutrition, I broke down about my treatments. I have been struggling with what has just been put into my body- something that I did willingly.  I have been researching alternative cancer treatments, including holistic remedies and I wonder if I made a mistake.  I was told I had stage 4 cancer and I was so damn afraid for my life that I signed on for what I was told was necessary.  And it has left me with side effects so severe that I am consumed with regret.  As I opened up about what I willingly did to my body, something within me clicked.  I have a major blockage going on with me.  Something big isn’t allowing me to move forward and I am on the cusp of addressing it fully.  My lesson in raw food was cut short by a phone call from Richard, and I had to go home so he could go to work.  Beate told me that I am fine, I just need to tone up.  How very true- my soul needs toning indeed.

Incidentally, the next thing I had to do was go to my doctor to discuss my mental health.  Ugh.  I recounted my past few weeks to him and opened up about the fact that I feel low.  I have to give myself a pep talk to go outside everyday.  I talk myself into drinking a glass of water.  I make myself do light cleaning around my house.  I’m so tired and unmotivated, moreso than a few weeks ago, and I feel I have a rain cloud over my head.  I know the difference between how I usually feel and how I feel now.  I have reason to feel down, but I wonder if I should allow myself to take the plunge and try an anti-depressant.  And then I wonder if I what I need right now is to feel down and be upset after all that I’ve been through.  If I put more chemicals in my body and mask my current pain, I’m not addressing it head-on and fully healing from it.

How appropriate to have an eye-opening discussion on living cleaner and more naturally, followed by a meeting where I talk about taking and unnatural drug. I am not sure what I am going to do with the prescription I stashed in the depths of my purse.  Perhaps a mild pick-me-up for my system shouldn’t be so scary.  After stripping my body and adding in such toxicity, how could I possibly be balanced? Or perhaps balancing my body with food should be my first step?


Thank you to Beate! Please look at her website. She is so cool!
http://www.beate-epp.com/

*Also, after I met her, I indeed started a practice of nourishing myself with raw, vegan food and I feel amazing!

Giving Thanks

To My Family, 


I feel it necessary to take a moment and say how amazing you are as individuals, and as a group of people I am proud to call my family.

Things have admittedly been difficult for me recently- I've felt anti-social, withdrawn and generally low. I feel there are pieces of me that have slipped away, and most of the time, I'm unsure of how to get them back. For example, I am so frustrated with my voice that I don't even sing when I'm alone anymore. Tonight, in the safe presence of my family, I merrily belted out in song without even thinking about it; I was caught up in the moment and sang my heart out. I thought about this on the drive home-  sometimes I am more myself in front of people than when I am alone. I've recently felt until I can connect my own dots, I have no business talking to anyone.  I have been trying to get into a place where I know how I feel about my life again, because right now, I am all over the map.

Ahh, family.  There is something so comforting and magical that happens when we all get together. I have such a lovely time observing and interacting with everyone- I truly believe we have a special and unique bond. Earlier today, Bu and I spent some time chatting with my Aunt Lee, Aunt Lorna and my grandparents outside. Bu had fun exploring on her own, as she usually does, while I was able to chat with everyone.  It was so pleasant, and it prompted some memories of my childhood to surface.  My life is not comprised merely of this moment, but a series of moments that have brought me to this point.  It is comforting to know that though this time is difficult, I have a past and a future.


Tonight, I couldn't eat the delicious turkey dinner, as I am still primarily getting my nutrition through my feeding tube (and drinking). I have a lot of worries in my life right now, particularly as I am awaiting results from my CT scan and am dreading possible news of a surgery.  But I have a lot to be thankful for. In fact, there were so many little moments that made me feel inspired tonight. I am entirely grateful to be alive right now. I shed tears with my Aunty Cheryl on her couch, giggled with my sisters, celebrated a successful outcome of my Aunt Joyce's intense surgery, took part in a team effort to clean up wine spilled on a lap top (my Mom swears it was Grayson's fault), I bonded with my cousins through laughter until my cheeks were sore and I was crying, I danced with my daughter and nieces to Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez songs, I talked about what was in my heart and on my mind - even confessing to believing in aliens (how else were some Megalithic structures built?).

I am fortunate to be surrounded by people who genuinely lift my spirits. People who nurture me and share with me a relationship where there is openness. I have to say it feels good. I learn so much about love from every single one of you.

To the family members and friends I was not able to see today, this all applies to you. The love is always there, and I am pretty damn thankful to you for it. I can not believe this world sometimes! How mind-blowingly amazing is life? Even during the 'bad' times, I feel a sense of duty to celebrate.  Why else am I here?  


So I give thanks, indeed, for my ability to be here and to realize how beautiful my existence is.


In Appreciation,
M

Bu and I enjoying the beauty of my Aunty Cheryl's backyard...