Small Town Charm

Sweet Baby B stayed home this weekend. I arose on Saturday, swept Bu into my arms and headed outside to my Mom's trailer. We visited for a short while and I carried Bu back into the house and made her breakfast. I looked into her face and realized... she can't go! I burst into tears and began telling Richard how painful a day without her is. Even when I was in the hospital, I spent the majority of each day with her, with the support of my family. I can't have it any other way. I am still relatively well and have energy, so it does not make sense to be without her.

I took my emotional show on the road, and went back out to the trailer to explain -through sobs- that Bu would have to stay here. My poor Mom started to apologize, in case I took her the wrong way, that she was only trying to give me a break, and not steal Bu away from me. She is without a doubt, the best type of support anyone could have in my situation. She's there for any times that I would need her, intuitive at times when I wasn't even aware I needed her, and gives me space for all the rest of the time. She hasn't imposed herself for even a minute of this journey, and I then felt bad for making it sound like it would have been a complete honor for her to babysit my child all weekend. We continued our cycle of apologies for a few moments before I settled into talking about the despair I had felt the night before. Talk about an emotional breakthrough! I hadn't been crying for the first 2 weeks of treatment, and all weekend, I allowed myself to let the tears flow. My Mom and Lauren (sister) were a very appropriate audience for such an unconstrained moment. I had a similar moment with Cassandra (sister) a couple of nights previous, but that was out of anger. This weekend was purely, passionately, sorrowful.

That's not to say we didn't have fun. We had a lovely encounter with the folks residing in Dundurn. There was a colorful Canada Day Celebration that boasted a military display, a 'car smash' (2 cars, a sledgehammer and young men with muscle shirts and apparent rage), a moonbounce, preserves, pineapple pie, beer gardens in a lovely barn, a greenhouse display and archery. When we arrived, a fellow in a jean, cut-off shirt that remained unbuttoned to display several faded tattoos, listed off all of the events. He also purchased the fireworks that were to go off at night; the man loves a party. Some friends met us there and we walked the grounds, taking in all that the celebration had to offer. An egg toss started, so we decided to join in. Truthfully, I had never 'tossed' an egg, but why not? After 26 years, it was high time I tried. Apparently, Lauren and I are rather good at it! We took a step back after every toss (more than the other contestants- we were further apart), and would have won if my last catch didn't contribute to the demise of our poor egg.

Shortly after the festivities, Lauren and Mom went home and my house was quiet, as Bu was sleeping. I was delighted when Richard came home, and he informed me his was playing at the soiree that night. As a respected member of the town council, it was his duty to announce the winner of the Town Slogan Contest (which was my idea). Dundurn: A Place to Grow. This is certainly true for me. And my family.

In a small town, time moves slowly- as if to allow for one to savour every sweet moment. I feel relief every time I drive away from the city. I love Saskatoon, but it is a nice place to go to, and not for me to exist. I believe this little community was the best place for us to buy our first home. When we started our house hunt a year and a half ago, something told me to veer off the highway on my way home from Regina. I fell in love with the overhanging trees on main street, the quiet parks and the neighbourly waves I received. Something told me this was where we needed to be.

And here we are. It isn't convenient for anyone to have to travel back and forth for my daily radiation treatments. And it takes organization to remember every little thing before going to and from the city. But it is a retreat- a place to get away from noise and people. I need this safe haven right now.

We had a few good friends stop by for visits. Bu seems to like hosting people here, something that rarely happened before. She is delighted when someone comes through the door, and no doubt has expectations of entertainment. Life is good. I feel better after allowing some sorrow to slip out of my heart. I will have to work on bringing more to the surface. But for now, I am going to stand outside and let some rain fall on my face. Having a shaved head provides so much freedom somehow- I used to avoid getting my thick, long hair wet at times. I feel so much more equipped to be spontaneous and pounce on opportunities nowadays.

Dancing in the rain,

M