In my typical blogging fashion, this was written a month ago, and I thought I'd share it now...
Day 1: Remember him. And go swimming.
I find relief in saying that my most intimate, beautiful, inspiring, perfect moments in life are not necessarily captured on film. There is a strange sweetness, a satisfaction, in having it locked away in selfish memory for only me to have. The birth of my daughter prompted this, as there were no pictures taken, but the first time I saw her is nothing short of magic, and I don’t mind one bit -anymore- that I share such an intimacy with that moment. We buried the ashes of my Grandfather yesterday; he wished to be buried with his brother Harvey- his best friend, co-farmer, etc, who passed away far too early 40 years ago to the very day. My Grandpa missed him everyday, and laughed fondly over memory of his hilarious brother.
I find relief in saying that my most intimate, beautiful, inspiring, perfect moments in life are not necessarily captured on film. There is a strange sweetness, a satisfaction, in having it locked away in selfish memory for only me to have. The birth of my daughter prompted this, as there were no pictures taken, but the first time I saw her is nothing short of magic, and I don’t mind one bit -anymore- that I share such an intimacy with that moment. We buried the ashes of my Grandfather yesterday; he wished to be buried with his brother Harvey- his best friend, co-farmer, etc, who passed away far too early 40 years ago to the very day. My Grandpa missed him everyday, and laughed fondly over memory of his hilarious brother.
There are moments that seem to serve as the fundamental pillars that make us who we are. They are sometimes moments of elation, sometimes they are times of pain. Or for the really special times, they are both. I will forever be haunted by the image of seeing my family members at the cemetery for the burial of my Grandpa Wells. The dark sky, darkly clothed crowd of people in contrast with the snow and sleet that was building at our feet and blowing all around us. And a vibrant, green box with his ashes in an urn, adorned with the tan pair of work gloves that my Dad just placed on top to be buried with him forever. And the blue of my Grandma’s beautiful eyes- full of so much love and sadness… this moment is forever etched in the innermost part of myself. My sisters and cousin Louise were huddled around my Aunt Lorna, who was holding a brightly colored umbrella and reciting The Cremation of Sam McGee (my Grandpa was a master of remembering and reciting poetry).
I had an epiphany about life. I’ve been paying attention to this great man, Wallace Ross Wells, my whole life. He declined having a big, showy funeral, and the fuss of the Legion presenting him as a member. He told his minister that if he talked for more than 15 minutes, or eulogized the service too much, my Grandpa would come back to haunt him. Goodness, this man was humble and humorous. But in contrast, he wrote memoirs, and had a sense of building a legacy. He journaled daily for years.
I was in California only a few days ago, and rushed away to come back to my chaotic life before I was ready. I went for a run the day after my Grandpa passed away, while we were in Los Angeles. I ran through the crowd near Disneyland, who were gathering for the opening in the morning. I was panicked about how out of control I felt, about having to go back to my reality of marriage challenges, an impending law suit, facing more health intervention. I resolved to allow myself time to fully heal, and things keep popping up, as happens in life. I realized during my run that I was using the trip to escape. And now that it was ending abruptly and without completion, I had to figure out what to do to save my sanity. This year, especially in brief summary, has been so utterly bizarre that when something stressful comes up, I just roll with it out of exhaustion. I’m emotionally spent, and it is paramount that I find ways to cope in my real life, and not expect to find comfort in the magic of Disneyland or beautiful, sunny beach days in San Diego.
So, here I am at the beginning of my Staycation- my effort to see out this voyage that was supposed to end in a week. I am going to practice keeping myself balanced, adventuring wherever feels right at the time, listening to myself truly, to have fun and be happy. I literally have nothing else planned, as I wasn’t even supposed to be here right now- I have the luxury of having time! But I guess I always did have that luxury and I just didn't realize it.
Day 1 is dedicated to remembering Wallace Ross Wells. He was wise and funny- delightful to talk with and be around. I was lucky to know him, and consider it an honor to share in his lineage. He was a father figure to many and knew a true sense of community. He will always guide me.
We hosted family members at my parent’s house on and off throughout the day. At the end of it all, I decided to join some family members in a swim at their hotel. I share a unique relationship with my cousins, Jen, Larissa and Kristen. My Grandpa was their Grandpa’s brother, and my Grandma is their Grandma’s sister, so we are doubly-related. When sharing stories of our ancestors, there is a complete account and history, being that we share such genetic common ground. I learned about my foremothers using ouija boards and levitating tables. And heard of the most amazing love stories that just made my heart melt. It was such a profound discussion- sprinkled with my Uncle Doug’s laughter and insight, Bu’s splashing, and my cousin Lindsey’s gentle guidance of my nephew Roark. Lovely.
Day 2: Coffee
We had coffee
with my Aunt Jody, Uncle Doug and my cousin Lindsey, while looking through some of my Grandpa's possessions. It was so interesting to see the treasures that I remembered from my childhood. Then we had some playtime with Cassy and the boys.
Followed by more coffee time with Grandma and Grandpa Rudd, then with
Cheryl and Dean, where we booked campsites for our family reunion this
summer. It was a full day of relaxed visiting.
Day 3: Get lost in some trees, love some animals.
I went to my Grandma’s for tea in the afternoon. She was hosting her sisters, and I caught a glimpse into their sibling dynamic. Translating my relationships with my sisters to how my Grandma interacts with her sisters is quite amusing. They have such defined characters, as my sisters and I do, and I guess I never looked at their relationships with my own adult eyes. There is a vast difference in how I perceived the elders of my family when I was a young child to how I view it now. And thinking about how I may continue to grow up with my sisters and build on our current relationships over the years is a pretty cool thing.
We hosted a last-minute supper of 25 people, to celebrate the birthdays of my Dad, my Grandma and my brother-in-law, Mike. My Mom hosts suppers with 40-50 people often, so it wasn’t a big deal for her to throw together a barbeque. I had a lovely time exploring in the trees with my nephew, Roark, and Daniel, a sweet little (foster)child who has been a lovely fit in my Uncle Maurice’s family. The boys climbed trees and Bu looked on with delight.
The evening made me miss my Grandpa’s easy presence. He really anchored our family.
Day 4: Ditch the technology and be thankful.
I lost my phone. It has accidentally become a fixture in my hand, and I think I could benefit from same time apart from that which takes away too much (any) of my focus. I don't know what happened- it must have fallen out of my pocket during the walk from my sister’s house to my parent’s house- I retraced my steps but it was nowhere. Good riddance, for now.
Anyway, I spent the afternoon with my Grandma and Aunt Jan, writing thank you cards on behalf of our family. It felt good to do something for my Gran, and I got to spend time with her as a bonus.
Day 5: Face the music.
I spent some time perusing the photographs we took of our trip. I don’t believe I could have looked at them before today, as the trip was too fresh- the experience too exhausting to think about. 7 days of driving -with 3 toddlers and a 5 year old- for 3 days in Disneyland was not relaxing. Yikes. But when we all sat in my parents’ living room to look back, it was all fine. We had lovely moments during our roadside stops, and some great bonding time in the vehicles. I’m glad we went, I’m glad I got to make it back to be with my family. No regrets. There will be no regrets.
Day 6: Get lost in meditation.
I spent a lot of time outside today and really allowed myself to get lost within. The journey one can take when they look in their own self is profound. No need to go anywhere, or have anything. I felt at place and really tuned into how I feel. I think I have times when I summarize my life and have a sense of anxiety. So then why summarize? Why think of the points of frustration and become fixated on them? I constantly remind myself to meditate more often, to practice maintaining a peace in my heart and not go to war with my past. I forgive cancer for taking away some of my abilities and my safe world. I forgive Richard’s alcoholism for taking away some stability in my life. I forgive the people and the mistakes that led to me not having an income for this past year. I forgive my body. I forgive myself. It has taken a lot of work to get to this point, and I’ll always have further to go. The deeper I go, the more I uncover, the more healing I have to do. An everlasting, exquisite exploration.
Day 7: Praise Jesus, break bread and go home
We went to church this morning and had a good time. Bu loved the singing, and it felt good to be there to support my Grandma in her community. She took a large clan of us out for lunch, including the minister who was there with my Grandpa when he passed.
I went to my Grandma’s for tea in the afternoon. She was hosting her sisters, and I caught a glimpse into their sibling dynamic. Translating my relationships with my sisters to how my Grandma interacts with her sisters is quite amusing. They have such defined characters, as my sisters and I do, and I guess I never looked at their relationships with my own adult eyes. There is a vast difference in how I perceived the elders of my family when I was a young child to how I view it now. And thinking about how I may continue to grow up with my sisters and build on our current relationships over the years is a pretty cool thing.
We hosted a last-minute supper of 25 people, to celebrate the birthdays of my Dad, my Grandma and my brother-in-law, Mike. My Mom hosts suppers with 40-50 people often, so it wasn’t a big deal for her to throw together a barbeque. I had a lovely time exploring in the trees with my nephew, Roark, and Daniel, a sweet little (foster)child who has been a lovely fit in my Uncle Maurice’s family. The boys climbed trees and Bu looked on with delight.
The evening made me miss my Grandpa’s easy presence. He really anchored our family.
Day 4: Ditch the technology and be thankful.
I lost my phone. It has accidentally become a fixture in my hand, and I think I could benefit from same time apart from that which takes away too much (any) of my focus. I don't know what happened- it must have fallen out of my pocket during the walk from my sister’s house to my parent’s house- I retraced my steps but it was nowhere. Good riddance, for now.
Anyway, I spent the afternoon with my Grandma and Aunt Jan, writing thank you cards on behalf of our family. It felt good to do something for my Gran, and I got to spend time with her as a bonus.
Day 5: Face the music.
I spent some time perusing the photographs we took of our trip. I don’t believe I could have looked at them before today, as the trip was too fresh- the experience too exhausting to think about. 7 days of driving -with 3 toddlers and a 5 year old- for 3 days in Disneyland was not relaxing. Yikes. But when we all sat in my parents’ living room to look back, it was all fine. We had lovely moments during our roadside stops, and some great bonding time in the vehicles. I’m glad we went, I’m glad I got to make it back to be with my family. No regrets. There will be no regrets.
Day 6: Get lost in meditation.
I spent a lot of time outside today and really allowed myself to get lost within. The journey one can take when they look in their own self is profound. No need to go anywhere, or have anything. I felt at place and really tuned into how I feel. I think I have times when I summarize my life and have a sense of anxiety. So then why summarize? Why think of the points of frustration and become fixated on them? I constantly remind myself to meditate more often, to practice maintaining a peace in my heart and not go to war with my past. I forgive cancer for taking away some of my abilities and my safe world. I forgive Richard’s alcoholism for taking away some stability in my life. I forgive the people and the mistakes that led to me not having an income for this past year. I forgive my body. I forgive myself. It has taken a lot of work to get to this point, and I’ll always have further to go. The deeper I go, the more I uncover, the more healing I have to do. An everlasting, exquisite exploration.
Day 7: Praise Jesus, break bread and go home
We went to church this morning and had a good time. Bu loved the singing, and it felt good to be there to support my Grandma in her community. She took a large clan of us out for lunch, including the minister who was there with my Grandpa when he passed.
It took a long time to pack up all of my effects. My car was full to the brim, Bu was primed for a nap and we hit the road. I had anxiety about returning home, but I was excited to go. I picked Richard up from his place in Saskatoon and Bu couldn’t have been more delighted to see him. I was too. Regardless of our past or our future, he is my very best friend. Seeing him is like coming home, and after a very weird couple of weeks, he was just who I needed to see.
To further my efforts in maintaining a vacation vibe in my everyday life, I promise myself to have more fun. And I will effectively leave my worries behind daily, much like I allow myself to do when I embark on a vacation.
